all joking aside
avg. temp.: something celcius that i can neither spell or convert…so NO I DON’T THINK 35 SOUNDS HOT!
today’s accomplishment: not buying a plane ticket home
—————————————————————————————————————————
so i find that the reality of life here seems to hit at the strangest times. i have literally broke down in tears when asked if i wanted a tour of the grocery store! (side note: yes…i know…you all are distracted by the fact that they would offer a tour of the grocery store. but when everything is in chinese a tour is just what you need!) back to my point….it’s really not the best time to break down crying in front of total strangers. and no matter how hard you try there’s really no way to explain this in any way that makes any amount of sense.
not to mention the sort of hysteria that sets in when you’ve spent 45 min. looking for butter at the grocery store (even after you’ve had your tour) and the nearest person who might speak english can only say, “buttah? no, no buttah?” and you know there’s something totally irrational in the moment when you find the “buttah” and want nothing more than to tell your underpaid grocery concierge that there is indeed “buttah” and then maybe punch them in the face with it. it’s crazy…you know it…and yet…you really really want to do it.
well today…reality came screeching in like a bird snatching it’s prey. by the time i walked home from work my mind was a dizzying whirl of self-doubt, disbelief, anxiety, and well…i was hungry too i think. but at some point between filling out expense reports and studying the new curriculum materials and working on my newsletter article i was suddenly struck by the enormity of the job. and i was blindingly aware that my shoulders were definitely not broad enough for the task.
i came home to recapture my composure with some papa john’s pizza (my first here), a pirated copy of transformers bought for $1, and some random unpacking. it seemed to do the trick enough for me to pick up pen and paper and begin to try to write out the core values. why am i here? what am i about? why does this matter? and you know what i find at the front of the pad of paper i picked up?
notes.
teaching notes. from tony campolo. the date reads 11-8-02. so i read them. something about science and creation and god. most of didn’t make much sense. but the last line did, “who we are is determined by what we commit ourselves to in the future.” huh. it’s a good thought. i sort of file it away to unpack it later. i turn the page ready to begin writing. and i see…
11-8-02
Rob Bell
and, of course, i stop reading and re-read and i say….NO WAY!!! did i really hear rob bell talk back in 2002 and i didn’t even remember it. dang it. amazing. so i read those notes. this makes more sense than the first. as i read i start to remember the talk. and i see notes like, “jesus wants to heal your soul!” “salvation is not a legal transaction; it is a way of life.” “he doesn’t just want to forgive you; he also wants to restore you.” i start to feel my heart stirring as i read. what is it about reading truth in any form that stirs us? like god’s hand reaching out and mashing up our insides to let us know those are his words that someone else borrowed.
and, of course, i turn the page again and there is 11-10-02, doug fields. the first line of his notes reads, “everyone in youth ministry is hurting somewhere.” at this point i have to stop reading because i don’t want any tears to smudge the page. after i chill out with the girl moments i read questions like, “who or what are you comparing yourself to?” “who are you seeking approval from?” “fear is at the root of the thorns. what if people see who you really are and it’s not good enough?” “rejoice in the fact that you’re not alone. there’s no easy answer, but you’re not struggling alone.” “don’t question in the dark what god called you to in the light.” slam…that one hit hard.
of course, this time when i turn the page i’m not surprised to see 11-10-02, mike yaconelli. his says, “10 things that will get you fired”. i have to smile at that and figure it has to be worth the read.
as i read and re-read through these notes something else occured to me….i began to think of where i was when i wrote these. it was 5 almost 6 years ago. i was 22. i lived in a small 1-bedroom apt. in glen burnie. i worked full-time at a medical publisher. i went to happy hour…a lot. and i also happened to volunteer with the students at my church. i’m guessing the conference where i heard all these speakers was the youth specialties national youth workers convention. it was in pittsburgh. i went alone. i hated lunchtime cuz i didn’t know anyone and it was embarrassing to eat alone. i remember feeling like there was so much to learn but not really knowing how to relate it to my current situation…i was a volunteer for a ministry that had no youth pastor, no budget, and very little support from the church body. what was i to do with all this information? how could i really belong with all these “professional” church people?
that was 5 years ago! just 5. i sit here, even now, in awe of the journey. in awe of the way god leads. if you would have asked me back then, i would have told you that i wished someone would pay me to hang out with kids. and i would have said it with about the same sincerity that i would say i wished i’d win the lottery (as someone who never plays). i wished…but i wasn’t pursuing. but god was pursuing. even then.
and so….as i sit here….in china…of all places….i have to think….there were a lot of little choices along the road that lead me to here. a lot. and how could i have ever known at 22 sitting and absorbing from so many great teachers and leaders that one day i would be the one entrusted with the burden to lead?
it’s humbling…and yet, undeniable.
